Sunday, October 25, 2009

Relearning Loveliness

This morning I am reading from Sharon Salzberg's "Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness". This is one of the most important books and enjoyable books I have ever read. I am re-reading Ch. 2 "Relearning Loveliness". At the beginning of this chapter, there is a beautiful poem by Galway Kinnell, whose lines struck me:

"The bud
stands for all things,
even those things that don't flower,
for everything flowers, from within, of blessing;"

This touched me because it made me think of those things inside me that never bloomed, because I did not nurture them with "blessing", with my encouragement, intention, belief, and action. All the seeds of kindness, love, and wholesomeness are born and cultivated within us through our gentle, consistent tending.

Lately I have had trouble tending well to my own inner life: I have felt an incurable restlessness sweep through my veins, mind, and my heart. I am so restless and irritated, I can only sit and meditate for 10 minutes and the entire time I am wondering if it has been 15 minutes yet. I'm not exactly sure what this unsettledness is all about--stress from the barking dogs and the demands of working with people and animals, stress from knowing Meridian needs an operation I can't really afford, stress from not being able to spend as much time enjoying the pleasurable things life might offer.

I also think about the buds inside me that I could cultivate, but don't, and am unsure why. I think a lot about painting, but rarely paint. I think a lot about traveling, but rarely go anywhere beyond North County. I think about the books I should have written or the adventures I could or should have endeavored, but instead I have chosen the comfort and safety of the known: shutting off opportunities to cultivate those yearning buds within.

But of course, judging myself for that does little good. Instead gently drawing attention to these tendencies and asking myself "is this helpful, is this leading to who I want to be? Or is it working against who and what I'd like to be and do?" is a much better approach. And of course, it is impossible for anything to grow if we up root it only to check to see if it has roots.

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